Thursday, July 16, 2015

BLUE TO YELLOW

I recently read a blog (Advice Fortune Cookie) where a reader asked of the blog writer, a 'wise fortune cookie', how do they win the lottery, find the perfect life partner, land that dream job? How can they increase the chances of these things happening? Why don't all these things 'come' to them? Especially when they purchase copious amounts of lottery tickets, go to all the places where the singles are and read all the wanted ads. 

The 'wise fortune cookie' responded to the enquirer that the dilemma that they faced was not one of luck but was in fact based in science. The reason why the enquirer felt that the lottery, a perfect match and the dream job eluded them was due to probability and that basically life is a numbers games. It is the size of the odds, in the scheme of things, that has the greatest impact on whether these things happen or not . 

I'm not going to write about probability. The author of Advice Fortune Cookie does a far better job of explaining probability (I recommend you read Money and love and landing that job: The role probability plays throughout our lives) than I ever could. But what I liked about this blog was the wonderful descriptive analogy used to explain why things don't happen just the way we want them too. Why sometimes no matter how many lottery tickets you buy, how many people you date, how many jobs you apply for, sometimes it feels like the odds are against you.

In the blog the reader is asked to compare life to a giant ball pit full of balls of two colours, blue and yellow. In order to get what you wanted from life; money, love, job, you merely need to dip your hand into the ball pit and pull out a ball. The trick, however, is to pull out the right colour ball. The problem, especially in the case of winning the lottery, is that the chances of picking the right colour ball is greatly reduced simply because of the sheer numbers of the wrong colour ball. Or to put it more simply, in order to became rich from winning the lottery you need to find the one yellow ball buried in a sea of millions and millions and millions of blue ones.

That's life. It's not easy to grab that one yellow ball amidst the sea of blue ones. Sometimes we get lucky and the odds come up really good but more often than not we are faced with a sea of blue. 

Which brings me to why I am writing this. Not that long ago I faced my own sea of blue. I was lucky enough to be short listed for the role of Creative Consultant on a Landscape Project. I won’t bore you with the details, but I have to say I was surprised when I got the call to advise me that I had been short listed. The project was interstate and I thought my chances where, at best, a long shot. Although I did work really hard on my proposal, and I suppose in doing so reduced the odds somewhat. In fact I had reduced the odds to the point where there were only three balls in the ball pit and I only had to pick out the one I needed. The yellow one. But even when there is only three balls the odds are still three to one and after all my effort I still ended up with a blue one.

Yes, I was disappointed that I had missed out on getting the yellow ball. It was frustrating knowing that it was right there, staring me in the face. I had done a lot of work and had jumped on a plane and flown interstate to get it. But someone else was better, closer, had a greater chance at snatching it out of the pit. And snatch it they did, at the last moment, out of from under my hand just as I was reaching for it.

As I flew home I reflected on being so close to having the prized yellow ball. But rather than dwell on the fact that someone else now had it I decided to have a look at what I had been left with, the wrong coloured ball. I began to think "what if I can make this ball different, it's still a ball, it's still round, it just isn't yellow. What if I can make this ball yellow? How can I make this ball yellow?" And before I had even got off the plane I had forgotten that I had missed out of this job and was well into planning the next and all the others that would come after. Instead of worrying about the yellow ball that had got away, I was now focused getting the next one. I just have to get that yellow ball.

Probability, the odds, the numbers game, they can often feel like they are stacked against you. But changing your perception of a situation is a powerful thing. I had a one in three chance of a yellow ball. I got so close to this one that I got to see it, understand it, examine it but it was not to be. Instead I got something else, a different colour, the same shape, but still a ball. I figure though, now I know what that yellow ball looks like I have a better idea of how to get it. It shouldn't take too much to change the colour. To increase the odds of getting a yellow one next time. 


Wednesday, July 8, 2015

CHARLOTTE

Unless you have been living under a rock or tucked away deep in some cave meditating on the changing colour of your bellybutton fluff, you would be aware that Kate and Wills have given young George a little baby sister. A sweet little girl, no doubt the apple of her parent's eye and upon whom will have all sorts of luxuries lavished upon her due to the social status of her family. And why not, she is a princess after all.

Kate & Wills with their Charlotte
When a princess is born, everyone coos and exclaims "how wonderful, a princess". When a princess is presented to the world on the steps of the hospital or her image appears in the paper, everyone smiles and says "how adorable". When a princess is given a name that is regal and royal and befitting of her status, everyone nods in agreement and remarks "how lovely, Charlotte, what a sweet name. Perfect for a princess." But not me, when I found out that the latest little royal was to be christened Charlotte, I fist pumped the air and shouted "yes!!!"

A strange reaction, I will admit, but secretly I had been hoping that 'Charlotte' would win the royal baby name lottery and for a very good reason. It's not every day that a princess bears the name of a family member. 

Unfortunately my family has never been bless with particularly royal type names. I don't think there has ever been a King Derek or a Lester - Duke of North(somewhere or other) or even a Duchess Heather or Debbie. There is, however, a very good possibility that there may have been a Lady Yvonne in some French court but for the most part the names in my family are not very, well royalish. But Charlotte, there's a name that was always in with a chance and I'm not surprised.

My daughter with our Charlotte aka Nana Irving
My paternal grandmother's name was Charlotte and although my Nana Irving's life was a far cry from that the new little princess will experience, if my grandmother was the embodiment of a name then this princess will have a lot to live up to.

My grandmother, my Charlotte, was a lady. An English lady. A lady who offered you cups of tea in her little room in the assisted living home, where she lived for all of my childhood. A lady who always worn beads and stockings and lipstick and carried a purse over her arm, even when we went to Wynnum to eat fish and chips in the park.

A lady who lived through bombs dropping on the streets were they lived. Who had to make do with war rations and lived with blackouts. 

A lady who agreed to pack up her children and follow her husband to Australia, leaving behind her family, her life, everything, to live on a farm in the bush, with no electricity or running water. A lady who raised her children almost on her own while her husband went to work in the city and she stayed on in the bush. 

A lady who battled a crippling mental illness all of her adult life but always kept her faith. 

A lady who had no material possessions, no house, no car, not even any furniture to speak of, but always gave of what she had, her love and her forgiveness, to everyone she came in contact with, especially her children and her grandchildren. 

A special lady who was never bitter about the hardships she had to endure, who never wished things were better but always smiled and had a soft embrace and a tender kiss for us.

My Charlotte, my grandmother was tender, gentle and loving and I sincerely hope that her namesake brings the new princess these same qualities. Princess Charlotte won't ever have to endure a life that my grandmother had, but if she grows to be a person, a lady, who possesses the qualities of my grandmother, she will be worthy of the name Charlotte. And it will see her firmly placed in world's heart. 

Just as Princess Charlotte's own grandmother was. 

Monday, July 6, 2015

THE REASON

I noticed the other day that I hadn't posted anything on my "Chicken on the Head" blog since the 6th of May. No, that can't be right. Surely it hasn't been that long. Today is... the 6th of July! Oh wait, it has been that long.  Where has the last two months gone?

No more excuses, it's time to get back of the horse, to get to back to it.

So tar dah. 

Announcing... the "Chicken of the Head" blog re-start.

I do have a reason for this pause. It's not because I had nothing to say. Anyone who knows me would agree that I rarely have nothing to say. It's quite the opposite, I often have more to say than most people. The reason for the pause is also not because I had nothing to writing. Like my need to have something to say, my need to write has also not diminished. I have been writing. I have been writing lots, great tomes of stuff.

I have been writing story ideas that pop into my head, bits of novels that I have started and have been adding to in fits and starts. I have been writing more tales about my fictitious Uncle Maurie and bad poetry. I have been writing expressions of interests for work, copious emails, shopping lists, Facebook posts, and a first drafts for the "Chicken on the Head" blog. Only thing is, none of this writing makes into the blog. Lets face it, does anyone really want to read my shopping lists or an expressions of interest for some job. I don't think so. 

The other thing that has been happening is that everything that I write for the blog, I write in a note book that lives next to my bed, ready for those 3 am "don't think you are going to sleep" ideas that pop into my head. Yes, I write pretty much everything in long hand in a note book before you get to see it. The trick is getting it out of the note book and onto a computer screen. 

I don't normally make excuses for my behaviour, my doing or not doing. I try and live by the rule of being 100% responsible for my own actions. If it hasn't be done, it's because I haven't done it. But this time I do have an excuse, actually it is more of a reason than an excuse. A very good reason why the stuff in my head has made it only as far as my note book and has failed to get onto the computer screen. I have been busy.

Or more accurately, my life has become busy.

When I left my job back in March this year, I made the decision to make space in my life. Up until that point I had been running around like the proverbial chicken with no head and not really getting anywhere. I needed to stop, breathe and get my life back on track. And stop I did, almost a dead stop. I gave myself time and I have to admit that during this time I spent more than one day on the couch, in my pj's, watching bad daytime TV. I was exhausted, burnt out, overwhelmed by my life. But I knew this and prepared for it and gave myself permission to take this time. Six weeks of pajama wearing, navel gazing nothingness so that when May arrived I would be ready. Ready to get going again.

By the time May did arrive though, boredom was starting to set in. My navel gazing and categorising of bellybutton fluff was starting to have an odd effect on me. My hope and positivity was starting to drain from my sole and hopelessness loomed like a solid brick wall. I began to have a niggling feeling that I had made the worst decision of my life. That is was a big mistake to leave my "oh so secure" job in search of freedom, passion and a life beyond the four walls of a 6 x 4 grey cubical. Panic was setting in. The CV came out. My belief in myself was bottoming out. I heard that they were hiring again at my old job, a lower paid position than the one I had left. One that wasn't a management role, with much less responsibilities. Maybe I could have my cake and eat it too.

I have a weird belief in my life. I believe that just when you think you are about to chuck it in or if you can't make a decision or are at a lose end the universe steps up and whacks you around the side of the head and offers up a chance to change. This has happened to me several times during my life so these days when it happens I usually sit up and pay attention. It was as I was deciding whether to return to my old job that I received my kick in the pants by the universe and things began to change. I stopped, took a breath and listened, to myself, to my daughter and to a friend. I knew I couldn't go back to that "oh so secure" job. That there was no going back. And in that instant, things began to change.

Which brings me to what I have been doing since the last post on the 6th May. The reason why nothing has appeared on the blog. I have been working and writing and planning and networking and gardening and, believe it or not, making space in my life to let these things happen.

I have been working with an Architect friend on his projects. I have been following my passion for writing when ever I have a free moment. I have been planning the development of a community garden for Canungra with some new friends. I have been strategising and planning the development of my landscape architecture business, traveling interstate for a job proposal and seeking out new opportunities. I have been getting my hands dirty in my garden, building with the help of my husband a wallaby, chicken and dog proof veggie garden, ready for spring planting. I have been breathing, making space and taking notice. I have moved on.

So the reason is, I have been busy. Busy living. It's not an excuse, just the reason. Because when you are busy life is at it's best. Life is great when your busy but not hectic.

I'm pretty sure I will still spend the occasional day on the couch in pj's but now I prefer to do that when the week that stretches out before me is littered stuff that involves writing and working, gardening and planning, family and friends. A week that is busy.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

THE OTHER SIDE

Last week I decided to post the beginning of a novel that I am working on, take a risk; test the waters so to speak. As part of that post I asked for feedback and gave a promised to acknowledge and accept any and all responses received. Essentially I was looking for feedback on my writing to provide me with an insight as to what further work was needed. At this point in time I have decided to pull last week’s post until further work has been done on ‘The White Bread Child’.

But what about taking that risk? The risk of having my work scrutinised and commented on. Was putting it out there worth it? Did the risk pay off? In a weird way I have to say yes. Without taking that risk I would have continued on my merry way down a road to possible disaster. Better to do a re-write in the first draft then after you have sent it, with fingers crossed, to a dozen potential editors. So ‘The White Bread Child’ goes back into my computer files to fill up my time on those nights when I am wide awake at three in the morning and have a burning desire to put pen to paper.

So no, I don’t regret taking a risk on my writing. Taking risks teaches us valuable lessons. It teaches how to sit in those spaces that are uncomfortable and hard. It teaches us to stretch and grow and to turn the lens inwards on ourselves and outwards on others. Taking a risk on yourself, making yourself vulnerable can be, and is, liberating. It is the best thing that we can do if we want to live a life free regret. So I took a risk on my writing, and also a test.  A test of my reactions to these responses and the feelings which might come up when something important to me, something intensely personal, is being, at best, questioned, at worse, criticised. A test of how I would choose to respond.

What I now understand about myself is that after all these years I have finally learnt not to take things personally. Professionally I am Landscape Architect who has designed public spaces for local government, parks, playgrounds, that sort of thing, and in this space there have been occasions when my designs have been 'named and shamed' in local papers by reporters or residents who, rightly or wrongly, disagreed with the outcome. In one instance a reporter questioned whether the designer of the space had any children and knew anything about what makes a space safe for children to play in. But I didn’t take it personally, I took it as feedback. Because that was what it was, feedback.

The other big lesson I learnt was that I am now aware of how important it is to me to be authentic in my writing. To be credible as a writer I need to write from the heart, from my experiences. Without authenticity I might as well be writing Mills and Boon romance novels and people who know me personally know that will never happen. It is important to me to continue to write authentically, personally. Authenticity is what gives my stories body and life.


It is most likely that ‘The White Bread Child’ won’t make another appearance on this blog. Not in the near future anyway, unless I feel a need, or I'm ready to share or a moment of madness hits me. And if I do chose to share again, I hope that I can count on your feedback. It will be accepted, acknowledged and appreciated. 

Going forward, I will continue take risks with my writing and I will continue to test myself. Not to do so would be, for me, a far greater regret than taking the risk in the first place. 


Saturday, April 18, 2015

EMMA│SEMMA│NETTA

For as long as I can remember my parents have been obsessed with death. Not death in the sense that they enjoy it, that they revel in horror movies or have a macabre longing for Hollywood style blood and gore. But death in the sense of searching for knowledge of those who came before us. Of what dead relative belonged to whom, where were they buried, who were they buried on top of and why was that particular plot chosen.

For as long as I can remember almost every conversation with my mother and father inevitably comes around to a dead relative, the cemetery they were buried in, details about the grave-site and those buried with them.

In the beginning these conversations irritated and infuriated me. Slowly though, I have been worn down, my fortitude eroded away and I now find myself trapped, wrapped up in their veil of death. I find myself, after all these years of resistance, becoming curious about these dead people, these dead relatives.

Emma Simonetta Croal
I confess I have been less than patient with my parents on this subject. My sister and I have swapped countless eye rolls each time this subject comes up at family gatherings. Almost certainly because the subject comes up at every family gathering. My parents will happily discuss for hours people we have never heard of, aunts, uncles, cousins, people so foreign to us that they are no more than strangers on the street. People I feel no connection to, they are only names. Only faded photos. Only grave stones in a cemetery somewhere. No  flesh and bone. No history. No story. They mean nothing to me. They meant nothing to me, until now.
   
Quite some time ago my grandmother’s family on my mother’s side had a family reunion, held here, in Canungra. I thought nothing of it at the time. I thought nothing of it twenty five years later when we moved here. It was a family reunion with a lot of people I didn’t know, in a nice park, a chance to have a picnic. Nothing more, nothing less. The significance of that family reunion was lost on me. The significance of that family reunion continued to be lost on me even as we signed a contract for a property, this property, in Canungra.

“Your grandmother was born in Canungra” my mother informed me after I shared the news of our purchase.

What? 
How did I not know this? 
Too much eye rolling, I suspect.

Unwittingly, I found myself located in the midst of my, my mother’s, and my grandmother’s family history. Within walking distance of the very graves and dead relatives that have ‘haunted’ me all these years. Their names are in the streets and the parks and are known by the locals. Adams, George, Rieser. There is no escaping them. And I’m not sure I want to.

The one dead relative I have always resisted is my great great grandmother, Emma Simonetta Croal. Her name has been at the centre of many of these interminable conversations on dead relatives. She has been mentioned, talked about and threshed over to a point where I never considered her as a person.

But she was someone. She was a woman who was buried in the cemetery just outside of our little village, in an unmarked grave. Her marker, for reasons know only by those also long dead, is located in another cemetery located on the other side of village. What a curious thing to do. Why would someone do that? 

Now I am curious. Damn it. Now I need to know. Suddenly Emma has flesh, Emma has history, Emma has a story.

Suddenly, I need to know her story. 



Sunday, April 5, 2015

EASTER @ GOODNIGHT

Close your eyes. Cast your mind back. I'm about to tell you a story. A story of Easter past. 

It’s the mid 1990’s. It’s April or March. I don’t remember. But it’s Easter and that means a four day weekend. That means a weekend at Goodnight Scrub.

Good Friday

Early morning, three thirty to be exact. We were all in bed by nine o’clock the previous night, because we knew we had early start. We tried to sleep. We kind of did sleep. But the alarm was set to go off at three thirty and at three o’clock we were lying in bed, wide awake, waiting for it. After ten minutes we decide that waiting was ridiculous and got up.

By four we have had our morning caffeine hit and packed the car, full, up to the roof. This trip has been made so many times we are able to pack the car in our sleep. It’s four in the morning; technically we are packing the car in our sleep. We have a list. It’s not written down, it's in our heads. Inevitably we always forgot something. Usually something important, like toilet paper or scissors or lip balm, but we are practiced in the art of packing. What we forget we can make do without it. Except toilet paper, we can't do without toilet paper. 

Into the car goes the pillows and sleeping bags, an esky full of food and cold drinks, a radio, the chainsaw, beer, some bananas, a packet or two or three of marshmallows, the whipper snipper, a bottle of rum, chocolate bilbies, matches, plenty of matches, Easter eggs, books, don’t forget the books and the obligatory bacon and egg pie. The car groans under the weight. It is so full we can no longer see out of the back window. That’s okay, we’ll just used the mirrors.

The dog is sulking. He always sulkes at Easter. He knows that we will be gone for the weekend. He knows the cues; early morning preparations, whispered conversations so as not to disturb our neighbours sleeping only meters away, the gift of a nice big juicy bone. But not even a juicy bone will coax him from the dog box. He has retreated so far in only his rump is visible. He knows that he will be alone for the next couple of days and he is not happy.

Four thirty. Finally we are ready to go. Finally the car pulls out of the driveway and heads silently down the street.

At six thirty we are at our usual breakfast stop. The Mobil Roadhouse at Torbanlea. The place buzzing, full of people like us, escaping for the long weekend. Cars towing boats, cars like ours, packed to the roof with blankets and pillows, cars with trailers full of motor bikes, camping gear, fishing rods, kids’ stuff and motor mowers. The roadhouse is the place to be for those who want to stretch their legs, fill their cars with petrol and partake in a greasy roadhouse breakfast of  bacon, eggs and bad coffee, before setting off on the next leg of the journey to god knows where.

Eight thirty, we arrive at our destination. Goodnight Scrub. It always looks exactly the same as when we left it, six months earlier. Except for the grass, it has grown so high we can no longer find the track to the shed. And there is a tree which has fallen over, we will have to move it before we can enter the property. And there is a cow standing in the middle of the paddock staring at us, no amount of yelling will make it move. Apart from that, it looks exactly the same.

There was always a million things to do before we can settle in for a weekend of doing nothing. The kero fridge needs to be cleaned and lit. Wood needs to be collected for the wood burning stove and the ash box has to be emptied and the fountain filled with water. The table needs a clean and the floor needs sweeping. There are beds to be made, the outside shower to be set up and the pump connected to the battery of the car. The toilet hole has filled in again so it needs to be re-dug and the tarp has to be hung up around it, for privacy. It's always hot and we are always tired after the drive but these things need to be done. The promise of a cold drink waiting for us in the esky helps to get it all done quickly.

We're finished by lunch time and celebrate with cold bacon and egg pie and even colder orange cordial or a beer in the shade of the shed. Because we are all tired from the early start, the long drive, the heat of the day and the stillness of the afternoon we are all sleepy. So we nap or read or just sit and contemplate the colour of our belly button fluff.

The afternoon turns slowly into evening, it is time now to get the outside fireplace prepared. The old ashes are dug out and a new fire is built. It's not long before there is enough coals to roast pork and potatoes in the dutch oven. The smell of the meat cooking is intoxicating. It sizzles and crackles and pops. We all agree there is nothing like a meal cooked over an open fire.

After dinner the search is on to find the best marshmallow toasting stick. The stick of all sticks, one that will withstand the heat of the fire. One that was long and strong and green. We eat our way through the first bag of marshmallows while the billy boils on the fire, ready for hot chocolate.

Saturday

We wake early, gently roused by the sun, the sound of the birds and the smell of the bush. The crows are noisiest but the parrots, kookaburras and the magpies provide some stiff competition.

The roller door on the shed is thrown up and we lie in bed and watch the morning come alive. We are so close to the outside it feels like our bed is in the paddock. We laze in our sleeping bags for the longest time, drinking hot, sweet tea, listening to the radio, basically doing nothing. Until eventually it's time to get up.The wood stove is stoked up again. Our breakfast of bacon, eggs and fried bread is prepared. The slow start to the morning is replaced with noise and movement.

We make good use of the coolness of the morning to tidy the shed, collect wood, and clear the track so that we can find our way back to the road. We go exploring, to discover any changes that we missed on the first day. The dam down the back is full. The neighbour on the left has clear some trees and now has cows. One of which we met yesterday. There is a massive forest of prickly pear emerging from the ground over by the fence. A large orchid has been flowering in a tree stump but we have missed its bloom.

In the afternoon the activity of the morning, a food coma brought on from lunch and the stillness of the place takes its toll on us. It is easier to sit or sleep than to move or work. So we choose to sit or more accurately, sleep. Outside the shed even the birds doze in the trees and the insects buzz lazily and then one car, the one car for the weekend, drives down the road past our place. We can hear it but we can't see it; we can't see the road from where we are. The afternoon floats by and we sleep through it.

Later, the afternoon cools, the light softens and the cicada’s song becomes so loud we can barely hear the radio over it. So we turn it off and listen to a silence that is only found in the bush. A silence that isn't really a silence.

The fire needs to be re-built so that we can cook the evening meal. It's a much slower affair tonight. It might be us or it might be the beer. Whatever it is, it makes everything much slower. The impatience of the previous evening has disappeared. Even finding the perfect stick for the second bag of marshmallows no longer holds the same appeal.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. The day of chocolate eggs and bilbies. This year, before heading off to bed we decide it would be fun to have an Easter egg hunt in the morning. So we take turns hiding some eggs. We chose to hide only the little solid ones, just in case.

Easter Sunday

Sunday morning begins with the same laziness as the previous day. Even though we know that we will be heading home today. 

There is excitement though, because there is chocolate. But the Easter egg hunt is a bust. The neighbour’s cows have visited during the night, their curiosity getting the better of them. Eggs that survived the onslaught from the ants and bugs were squashed into the ground by an unsuspecting cow. One is even half buried in poop. We had anticipated the possibility of this disaster and had smartly sacrificed only a small portion of our chocolate stash. Our morning cups of hot tea wash down smashed eggs, bilby ears and left over marshmallows. Easter Sunday, the holiday of inappropriate breakfast foods. 

We had made the decision before we left to only stay two nights. Easter weekend traffic is legendary. Monday is always a nightmare on the road. Slowly we start to pack.

By ten thirty we have locked the shed up and are getting ready to leave. The kero fridge has been emptied and turned off. The tarp around the outside toilet has been pulled down and the chair, with the dunny seat taped to it, put away. The fire in the wood stove has gone out and the last of the hot water from the fountain has been used for long luxurious showers before the shower is unplugged from the car battery. We do one last check, the windows, the roller doors, the tap on the tank. The shed is locked up and the place looks like we had never even been here. We drive back down the track, pleased that it is easier to find on the way out.

The drive home is uneventful. It rains. There is usual pit stops to buy ice-creams, bottles of soft drink, packets of twisties and snakes. 

Late Sunday afternoon we pull into the our driveway to a dog so happy to see us you would think that it had been three years not three days. His tail wags his whole fat body and I swear he is actually smiling at us. The big juicy bone is no where to be found. He sighs a big sigh, goes back to his dog box and falls asleep, still smiling.

Monday

The last day of the long weekend. Work tomorrow. Drat.

Monday is the day of unpacking, cleaning and washing. A sudden, sharp dose of reality. Back to suburbia where mowers are mowing, kids are screaming and cars, more that one, are driving up and down the street. No bird song. No wind in the trees. No quiet still. Just noise, the noise of suburbia. 

We would do this for many Easters, for many years. Drive almost five hours to get there. Be there for barely three days. Live with facilities only the most basic of facilities, a long drop toilet, an outside shower, a wood fired stove, no electricity or phone. But an Easter weekend at our bush block, for us, was heaven on a stick.

We don’t do the Easter thing anymore. We don’t feel the need too. Where we live, it’s not quite the bush block, but its damn close. 

And the bonus is, it has a shower inside and a toilet that flushes.

Have a happy and safe Easter weekend. 



Saturday, March 28, 2015

SLOW

Two weeks ago I quit my job, a job that was safe, that paid good money but way sucking me dry.
Two weeks later, no regrets.
I appreciate that two weeks is probably too short a time to have regrets, but I don’t. I don’t because I have walked away from an environment that was too hectic, too disorganised, and too reactive. So much so that it had drained me physically, emotionally and mentally. To the point where I could barely think straight. To the point where I craved ‘slow’.
In the past two weeks I have been practicing ‘slow’ and believe me when I say that sometimes you really have to put some energy into being ‘slow’.
‘Slow’ isn’t veg’ing out in front of the TV or playing games on the computer or catching up on Facebook or talking on the phone, ‘slow’ is much more than that. ‘Slow’ is, well much slower.
Yoga is fantastic for ‘slow’. Not because it is actually slow, often yoga is very fast, but because to do yoga your mind needs to be ‘slow’.
On Friday nights I attend a Yin yoga class where we practice the very art of being ‘slow’. In this class we learn stillness of mind, patience of body and freedom of spirit. We learn ‘slow’. We do this through yoga poses that are held for long periods of time to challenge our need for haste, our desire for comfort, and our longing to move onto the next pose. We find the ‘slow’ in our minds and in own bodies and push through our discomfort and impatience.
But you don’t always need yoga to find your ‘slow’. ‘Slow’ exists everywhere, with the possible exception of a workplace full of nervous energy.
This week I found ‘slow’ while washing the dishes. I found it in the temperature of the water, in the texture of the soap suds on my hands and in the squeaky smoothness of the plates. I found ‘slow’ in a batch of cup-cakes that I baked. I found it in the words of the recipe, in the taste of the batter and in the heat of the oven. I found ‘slow’ whilst potting up some herbs. It was in the colour of the plants, in the moisture of the soil and in the heaviness of the pots. And this morning, as I write this, I am finding ‘slow’ within the curves of the letters on the pages, in the scratch of a pen on paper and in the search for just the right word. It is also just outside my window, in the song of the birds, in the thickening of the morning mist and in the first faint pink glow of the sunrise. ‘Slow’ can be, is very beautiful.
Today I hope you find you’re ‘slow’. Don’t look too hard for it. It’s not that far away. 
In a world that is abuzz with so much stimulation, positive and negative, ‘slow’ can be a powerful healer. For me, ‘slow’ fills the holes that a hectic, unforgiving life can create. I need ‘slow’ to fill me up, plug up my ‘holes’ and make me whole again. 
I need my ‘slow’ so that I can be me.


Saturday, March 21, 2015

FACEBOOK

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Facebook for a while now. And since I have been doing my “Year of the Chicken/Chicken on the Head” blog this relationship has only deepened. 

Facebook, Social Media in general, has always perplexed me. What is it about Social Media that creates in us the desire to while away hours, living vicariously through the one thousand, six hundred and twenty seven friends that have been “collected”? Is there really that many fabulously fantastic selfies out there? Can we be watching that many cute animal YouTube clips? Are there that many online petitions we desperately must sign up for?

I will admit to being a bit hopeless as a Facebook friend. I was first badgered into it in 2010 by a very dear “real” friend, who is probably the most prolific person on my newsfeed. Although, I still devour her daily updates, like her photos and comment on her feeds.

Confession, I am more voyeur than volunteer.

The enigma of Lindsay Rosmarin
Lately, however, something has changed. Something quiet. Almost like it has crept up on tiptoes and whispered seductively in my ear. “Social Media… Social Media… Social Media...” Try as I might to slap it away, I know it’s too late. It already has me in its abstruse grasp. Like the wispy cartoon smoke hand that lures you into its trap. Snap, it’s too late. There is no hope for me. Social Media has my brain in its vice like grip. So much so that recently my Facebook friends list has jumped from 17 to 38.

What’s that? Do I hear mocking laughter? Meh. 38 friends, who do you think you are kidding, I hear you say.

Okay I admit it. I am not what you would call steeped in Social Media greatness. Not sure I want to be. But, what I do crave is to stay in touch.

Prior to Facebook, Gmail, Blogger and those other Social Media traps, friends have come and friends have gone. Never to be seen again. Good people too. People who had been there for me. Especially when I really needed them. People who are now only but a distance memory. People who, if they are lucky, are remembered only through a photo, tucked into a dusty album, shoved into the bottom of a bookcase.

Yes, Social Media does have a place in my life. Not for selfies. Not for cute animal YouTube clips. (Although I do secretly enjoy the dog ones a little too much.) Instead, it is to keep hold of those that are dear to me. New friends. Old ones. Friends that have come to me through the courtesy of others.

To hold close the friend who was the second half of my brain at work. Together we made up the phantom staff member of Lindsay Rosmarin, and haunted the halls of our office. A phantom person that was always there, but never existed. It was this friend who, through laughter, understanding and coffee, helped to keep me sane in a place that was at times completely insane.

My Eighth Birthday
Me: Second from the left. Kye: Second from the right
A friendship that has lasted decades.
To cherish the friendship of a girl who has been a friend for so long it is truly mind boggling. This is a friendship that is almost half a century old. This year we will celebrate our fiftieth birthdays together, having been friends since we were four.

To keep the friendship alive of a friend from high school. Although she lives in NQ, we follow the same star. We have the same dream. We fight the same fight.

To follow the friend who is about to start a new journey. Who has had the courage to pick up her life after it had so tragically fallen apart. To start again, began a new dream and live in a place that is truly hers.

To make sure the friend who has the not so subtle gift of giving me a slap around the head at preciously the moment I need it, continues to do so. And to give her one back in return, when she needs it.

And watch as a friend is about to add to her growing but adored family and the other who recently added to her own.

All of these people, and many others, make up the 38.

I wonder. Do they know?


Do they know that when the bling goes how happy it makes me feel? To be included in their lives. Even though it is through the tenuous link of Social Media. 


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

LAST DAY. FIRST DAY


On the last day I drove to work. I answered some emails. I said goodbye to some good friends.
On the last day I gave a speech about what I would miss, what I wouldn’t miss and what I learnt.
On the last day I ate carrot cake and sausage rolls and chocolate cake and corn chips and prawn dumplings.
On the last day passed on of my projects, handed over my work and gave my team their final brief.
On the last day threw out stuff I didn’t need, kept stuff I did need, put the stuff I was taking home in a box and cleaned my desk.
On the last day there were lots of hugs, just as many kisses, too many ‘good lucks’ to count and a few tears. 
Then I picked up my box and my plant and drove home.

On the first day I slept in.
         I ate a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast.
         I checked Gmail and Facebook.
         I watched some day time TV.
         I did some yoga.
         I sat in the sun.
         I walked around my garden.
         I watched my chickens and collected their eggs.
         I hugged my dog.
         I kissed my husband.
         I had a nap.
         I took a deep breath.
         I closed my eyes.
         It was the right decision.



Sunday, March 8, 2015

UNCONSCIOUS CONSCIOUSNESS

A supervisor of mine once told me a story of how her father, a relief teacher, would begin every new class by asking “who are the good kids and who are the bad kids?” He would then allocate tasks; cleaning the blackboard dusters, opening and closing windows, collecting homework books, that sort of thing. The bad kids got the tasks that he felt held the most responsibility and by doing this he kept them busy, gave them a sense of purpose and reduced the amount of trouble they caused.

I sat there politely smiling and nodding, listening to her nostalgic story telling, and suddenly it occurred to me that she was telling this because she considered me as one of the “bad kids”. She had identified me as someone in the team that needed to be “kept busy" so that I wouldn't cause any trouble. That’s enough to ruffle some serious feathers, right. Or is it?

To be brutally honest, I was the bad kid in my office. I'm the first to admit that I am not particularly good at toeing a 'corporate line'. Around the office I was known as a bit of an agitator, I liked to push the boundaries and question processes and procedures, and most telling of all, 'couldn't keep my mouth shut'. This last point often got me into trouble. I was the office 'bad kid'. But this is not about my confession as a 'bad kid'. This is about how I use Active Listening and being Conscious to help me with my decision to move on.

If you look up Active Listening on the web Wikipedia will give the following definition;

Active listening is a communication technique used in counselling, training and conflict resolution, which requires the listener to feed back what they hear to the speaker, by way of re-stating or paraphrasing what they have heard in their own words, to confirm what they have heard and moreover, to confirm the understanding of both parties.

Blah, blah, blah.

For me Active Listening is actually hearing what another person is saying to you, recognising it and, more importantly, accepting then acting on it. In the case of my past supervisor’s trip down memory lane, it was her way of letting me know she had my number. I can’t really blame her for this. She did indeed have my number. I suppose to save her own sanity and maybe because this was the only way she knew how to deal with my more fluid way of working, she decided that I needed to be “kept busy”.  

I’m not denying that my supervisor’s management of the situation didn't have the potential for some serious ruffling of feathers or that mine weren't ruffled. Six or seven years ago my feathers would have been seriously ruffled, but not this time. This time they were only slightly ruffled. This time I put the Unconscious Consciousness into play.

To put it simply, there are four stages of consciousness. Unconscious Incompetent, Conscious Incompetent, Conscious Competent and Unconscious Competent.

http://www.leadershipsuccession.org/insight/
conscious-incompetence-the-new-leadership-skill
The Unconscious Incompetent is pretty common. A lot people sit in this space. We all know people like this and sometimes, without realising it, we are also are in this space ourselves. People who are here all the time go about their lives with absolutely no inkling the effect their words or actions have on others, or worse, they don’t care. They are unable to control their emotional outbursts, they act inappropriately or they are just plain callous or rude. When placed in situation of distress or discomfort they internalise their response and react as a victim. At worst, they can be socially incompetent and at best self-centred and completely unaware. Without sounding too high and mighty about this, we all fall into this category occasionally, sometimes this just can’t be helped. However to live every minute of every day in this space is not acceptable.

The Conscious Incompetent is the awkward space. The space where we know what we are saying or what we are doing is having a negative effect on others but realise it as it is happening or worse when it is too late, after the event. It’s that gritty, horrible, sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach when we have dropped a resounding clanger, or a well-intentioned comment which has been met with stony silence. The Freudian slip. The head in the hands “I can’t believe I said/did that” moment. We know that you goofed but couldn't stop it. We were incompetent but completely conscious of it. Sound familiar?

The Conscious Competent is hard. It’s catching ourselves before we say or do something that we will regret. It’s all about being in the moment. And Actively Listening. It's about understanding what is being said to us and more importantly, why? When sitting in the Conscious Competent we stay clear headed, make strong decisions and most importantly (for me anyway) know when to move on. I am not saying we have to like, agree or even join in with what is going on around us, the objective is to actively and consciously choose how to respond and do so in a manner that is personally appropriate so as to benefit from it, rather than find ourselves in a position that is less than acceptable. It’s about being conscious of the situation, reacting in a competent way so as to make an appropriate choice. I try to stay in this space as much as I can, particularly around certain people. It’s not easy but it does help manage the internal monologue that typically occurs when I react in a consciously incompetent way.

The Unconscious Competent. For me this one is really hard. I have been practicing this for around five years now and I find that I am still fluctuating between Conscious Incompetent and Conscious Competent. Occasionally something will happen and I will deal with it and move on, and then, only after the fact, I realise that I was in the Unconscious Competent zone. It doesn't happen too often but I am working on it. The Unconscious Competent state is when we do all of the stuff in the Conscious Competent state but it is second nature. It just comes naturally. Getting there isn't that easy. I can only think of a few people who are a 100% in the Unconscious Competent. People like Mother Theresa, Ghandi and the Dalai Lama. It's an exclusive group, and two of them are dead. So it's something to aspire to, the Unconscious Competent state that is, not the being dead bit.

Getting back to my story about my supervisor’s father, the need to control the “bad kid” and my subsequent response.

Conscious competent. Take a deep breath. Yes it was insulting but how do I take this information and use it to my benefit. Okay, she sees me as the “bad kid”; do I just live up to that label? Too late, I’m already there. Do I try and prove her wrong? Show her that she has misjudged the situation. Again, too late for that. Or do I accept that she sees me as the “bad kid”? Accept that the only space that I have control over here belongs to me. The answer to this situation was less about how she saw me, as the “bad kid” that needed to be organised, but more about how I wanted to use this assumption, right or wrong, and make it work for me. The reality is, for me, being the “bad kid” isn't such a terrible thing. Ultimately these are the very traits that have led to my “Year of the Chicken” decision.

At the time of this conversation took place I had already made my decision to leave, logged my date into the calendar and written my letter. It would have been very easy for me to think “well you won’t have to deal with that for too much longer because I’m outta here.” But instead I am decided to think;

“Okay, this is a workplace which is governed by a formalised, hierarchical structure, and it's processes and procedures. It's not in my capacity to change this so... Is this really where I belong? It is clear that I am better suited to somewhere that has a more flexible business structure."

Now, I’m not saying that we should jump ship every time a supervisor gets up our nose. If we did no one would have a job. I’m just saying that it is important to listen to the context of what is being said and make a conscious choice as to how to respond. I chose to see this as an opportunity to get some really amazing insights into what type of work space helps me to excel and how I can take advantage of this information when assessing what my desired outcomes, goals and dreams might be.

For me, my choice was to take a perception that someone had of me that, for all intents and purposes, was not a particularly good one, and explore the opportunities behind it. I personally think that pushing boundaries, questioning processes and speaking up (that’s really what ‘not keeping my mouth shut’ is), are all very good qualities to have.  And I have every intention to use them to their fullest extent in all my future endeavors and continue to be the “bad kid”. After all where would the world be without the “bad kids”?


Nelson Mandela: 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nelson_Mandela
Dawn Fraser: 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dawn_Fraser 
http://www.news.com.au/national/photos-e6frfkp9-1111120351155?page=3
John Lennon: 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Lennon
http://galleryhip.com/john-lennons-children.html
Richard Branson: 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Branson
http://www.virgin.com/richard-branson/biography