A supervisor of mine once told me a story of how her father, a relief teacher, would begin every new class by asking “who
are the good kids and who are the bad kids?” He would then allocate tasks;
cleaning the blackboard dusters, opening and closing windows, collecting
homework books, that sort of thing. The bad kids got the tasks that he felt
held the most responsibility and by doing this he kept them busy, gave them a
sense of purpose and reduced the amount of trouble they caused.
I sat there politely smiling and nodding, listening to her nostalgic
story telling, and suddenly it occurred to me that she was telling this because she considered me as one of the “bad kids”. She had identified me as someone in the team that needed to be “kept busy" so that I wouldn't cause any trouble. That’s enough to
ruffle some serious feathers, right. Or is it?
To be brutally honest, I was the bad kid
in my office. I'm the first to admit that I am not particularly good at toeing a 'corporate line'. Around the office I was known as
a bit of an agitator, I liked to push the boundaries and question processes
and procedures, and most telling of all, 'couldn't keep my mouth shut'. This
last point often got me into trouble. I was the office 'bad kid'. But this is not about my confession as a 'bad kid'. This is
about how I use Active Listening and being Conscious to help me with my decision to move on.
If you look up Active Listening on the web Wikipedia will
give the following definition;
Active listening is a communication technique used
in counselling, training and conflict resolution, which requires the
listener to feed back what they hear to the speaker, by way of re-stating
or paraphrasing what they have heard in their own words, to confirm
what they have heard and moreover, to confirm the understanding of both
parties.
Blah, blah, blah.
For me Active Listening is actually hearing what another
person is saying to you, recognising it and, more importantly, accepting then acting on it. In the case of my past supervisor’s trip down memory lane,
it was her way of letting me know she had my number. I can’t really
blame her for this. She did indeed have my number. I suppose to save her own
sanity and maybe because this was the only way she knew how to deal with my
more fluid way of working, she decided that I needed to be “kept busy”.
I’m not denying that my supervisor’s management of the
situation didn't have the potential for some serious ruffling of feathers or that mine weren't ruffled. Six or seven years ago my feathers would have been seriously
ruffled, but not this time. This time they were only slightly ruffled. This time I put the
Unconscious Consciousness into play.
To put it simply, there are four stages of consciousness.
Unconscious Incompetent, Conscious Incompetent, Conscious Competent and Unconscious Competent.
The Unconscious Incompetent is pretty common. A lot people sit
in this space. We all know people like this and sometimes, without realising it, we are also are in this space ourselves. People who are here all the time go about their lives with absolutely no inkling the effect their words or actions have on others, or worse, they don’t
care. They are unable to control their emotional outbursts, they act
inappropriately or they are just plain callous or rude. When placed in situation
of distress or discomfort they internalise their response and react as a victim.
At worst, they can be socially incompetent and at best self-centred and
completely unaware. Without sounding too high and mighty about this, we
all fall into this category occasionally, sometimes this just can’t be helped. However
to live every minute of every day in this space is not acceptable.
The Conscious Incompetent is the awkward space. The space where
we know what we are saying or what we are doing is having a negative
effect on others but realise it as it is happening or worse when it
is too late, after the event. It’s that gritty, horrible, sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach when we have dropped a resounding clanger, or
a well-intentioned comment which has been met with stony silence. The Freudian
slip. The head in the hands “I can’t believe I said/did that” moment. We know that you goofed but couldn't stop it. We were incompetent but completely conscious of it. Sound familiar?
The Conscious Competent is hard. It’s catching ourselves before
we say or do something that we will regret. It’s all about being in the
moment. And Actively Listening. It's about understanding what is being said to us and
more importantly, why? When sitting in the Conscious Competent we stay clear headed, make strong decisions and most importantly (for me
anyway) know when to move on. I am not saying we have to like, agree or even join in with what is
going on around us, the objective is to actively and consciously choose how to respond and do so in a manner that is personally appropriate so as to benefit from it, rather than find ourselves in a position that is less than acceptable. It’s about being conscious of the situation, reacting in a competent way so as to make an appropriate
choice. I
try to stay in this space as much as I can, particularly around certain people.
It’s not easy but it does help manage the internal monologue that typically
occurs when I react in a consciously incompetent way.
The Unconscious Competent. For me this one is really hard. I
have been practicing this for around five years now and I find that I am still
fluctuating between Conscious Incompetent and Conscious Competent. Occasionally
something will happen and I will deal with it and move on, and then, only after the fact, I realise that I was in the Unconscious Competent zone. It doesn't happen too often but I am working on it. The Unconscious Competent
state is when we do all of the stuff in the Conscious Competent state but it is second nature. It just comes naturally. Getting there isn't that
easy. I can only think of a few people who are a 100% in the Unconscious Competent. People like Mother Theresa, Ghandi and the Dalai Lama. It's an exclusive group, and two of them are dead. So it's something to aspire to, the Unconscious Competent state that is, not the being
dead bit.
Getting back to my story about my supervisor’s father, the need to control the “bad kid” and my subsequent response.
Conscious competent. Take a deep breath. Yes it was insulting but how do I take this information and use it to my benefit. Okay, she sees
me as the “bad kid”; do I just live up to that label? Too late, I’m already
there. Do I try and prove her wrong? Show her that she has misjudged the
situation. Again, too late for that. Or do I accept that she sees me as the “bad
kid”? Accept that the only space that I have control over here belongs to me. The
answer to this situation was less about how she saw me, as the “bad kid” that
needed to be organised, but more about how I wanted to use this assumption, right or wrong, and make it work for me. The reality is, for me, being the “bad kid” isn't such a terrible thing. Ultimately
these are the very traits that have led to my “Year of the Chicken” decision.
At the time of this conversation took place I had already
made my decision to leave, logged my date into the calendar and written my
letter. It would have been very easy for me to think “well you won’t have to
deal with that for too much longer because I’m outta here.” But instead I am
decided to think;
“Okay, this is a workplace which is governed by a formalised, hierarchical structure, and it's processes and procedures. It's not in my capacity to change this so... Is this really where I
belong? It is clear that I am better suited to somewhere that has a more flexible business structure."
Now, I’m not saying that we should jump ship every time a supervisor gets up our nose. If we did no one would have a job. I’m just saying that it is important to listen to the
context of what is being said and make a conscious choice as to how to respond. I chose to see this as an opportunity to get some really amazing insights into what type of work space helps me to excel and how I can take advantage of this information when assessing what my desired outcomes, goals and dreams might be.
This week I found ‘slow’ while washing the dishes. I found it in the temperature of the water, in the texture of the soap suds on my hands and in the squeaky smoothness of the plates. I found ‘slow’ in a batch of cup-cakes that I baked. I found it in the words of the recipe, in the taste of the batter and in the heat of the oven. I found ‘slow’ whilst potting up some herbs. It was in the colour of the plants, in the moisture of the soil and in the heaviness of the pots. And this morning, as I write this, I am finding ‘slow’ within the curves of the letters on the pages, in the scratch of a pen on paper and in the search for just the right word. It is also just outside my window, in the song of the birds, in the thickening of the morning mist and in the first faint pink glow of the sunrise. ‘Slow’ can be, is very beautiful. 
